SuperSheep

 

One of the more interesting uses of a fire alarm I've seen.

This was just awful. Admittedly I don't watch a lot of news so I this may have been all over it, but apparently some metro line police officer just killed some guy. They probably didn't realize they were on film. I really hope it doesn't give rise to more violence, but I can understand the rage that's going through that community if there is.

Any way you cut it, this was a pretty amusing video I thought.

I haven't posted in awhile, but I wanted to try out Windows Live Writer (currently in beta) to see how well it posts to LiveJournal. Honestly, it may be that I just couldn't stand trying to write blog posts in their little window. Live Writer is basically Word for your blog posts with added capabilities for blogs. Perhaps now it'll be easier to get my thoughts down on paper, though I could never shake the feeling that people just weren't interested in what I have to say. I've always been the kind of person who is one-topic centric in my expertise (specifically programming). I also tend to comment mostly in person as I feel the back and forth is much more satisfying; and while some people may find fault with this particular line of thinking, I really do care more about what other people think than what I think -- which is why I think I spend so much time reading other people's musings.

William Shatner singing in all his glory.

Every once in awhile I'm reminded why I thought computers were so cool in the first place. It really always has been about the ability to take your imagination and make it reality. There is art in the creation of software.

As most of you know I'm somewhat political and liberal, but if you'll forgive me the day I have some great quotes from MLK you may not have heard read by someone far more eloquent than me (though not MLK).

I'm fat. Way too fat and it's going to affect my health. So after seeing a doctor I've been told I can do some exercise and I've been put on a diet I am adjusting for now. But I need a physical therapist to tell me what I can and cannot do to my leg. Now I don't know any physical therapists in the Raleigh area but I have a great friend (free as in beer[1]) network so I'm putting it out to the world. Has anyone found a physical therapist they like?

[1] network of great friends, not large friend network.

I found a website that allows you to put money down on particular goals. Say loose weight (or keep it off), quit smoking, etc. If you lose the bet your money goes to charity or a person of your choosing. If you win you keep the money. It's been successful for some people. What if you have $500 on keeping your weight down? $1,000? Would you keep it off?

http://www.stickk.com/

Lo! and God said let there be stupid in-bred folk who fling chairs at each other and it was. And God saw that it was good. Then God said let there be an opera be made based on this show and it was!

http://www.jerryspringertheopera.com/

Quoting the source):

"Opening with the onstage studio audience chanting 'Jer-ry! Jer-ry!', a parade of guests sing about being jilted by a lesbian dwarf or having a diaper fetish or wanting to start a career as a lap dancer as Jerry Springer himself presides over the mayhem. Amid the chaos, the host is shot and killed."

I was browsing the Internet when I found the demonic kitty eyes. I fear for my soul.

http://www.kittyhell.com.nyud.net:8080/2007/12/26/hello-kitty-contacts/

Playing Sloth is hard because I know that Sloth is my own sin. It's really the sin of my family. It's sad really. Sometimes I feel like I have a lot of potential, but that I lack the motivation to see it through. But my greater fear is that I don't have any potential and I use sloth to hide that fact from myself and others.

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Low
Pride:	Medium

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

I was laid off last Monday. The day after the end of a quarter is usually a scary time for contractors. But I'm feeling decently about it. I've got savings to last me a little while, but I like the freedom of having a steady income (like everybody else I'm assuming). But as the few remaining connections to this place are dwindling away I'm contemplating moving away. New York City, Raleigh and the west coast are all options I guess. Perhaps even overseas. I'm not sure though if I should start looking for work or continue working on this project. It may be time for success or bust signs. I still have a VC meeting coming up. After that I'll definitely  need to know what to do.

Having left my job at AMTI in July and working from home has unfortunately made it all to easy to just forgo all normal social interaction and just throw myself at my work which unfortunately isn't going very well because the lack of bouncing idea wall is slowing me down considerably. It's one of those things where I end up in a vicious loop. (while(true) ;). BWA HAHAHAHA (or MUA HAHAHAHA for the sticklers). However a couple of you have helped me out with some of my problems and I appreciate it.

Part of my problem is that the group events I've been to around here haven't really lead to much close friendship. People get together for the actual event, but not really separately. It's sad that everybody has become super guarded in my older age. The people I've been meeting just aren't happy or aren't open. I have to wonder if that's because this area is really anti-nerd. The nerds who live their lives here feel like outcasts (much more so than Raleigh) so they're more guarded. It's times like these I guess I just miss the cool people from back home.

Also after much debating, I've decided to post screenshots of my work and talk about it. After investigating the terms of service (which were very easy to read actually), I found this little gem (though actually it's 3).:

1. LiveJournal claims no ownership or control over any Content posted by its users. The author retains all patent, trademark, and copyright to all Content posted within available fields, and is responsible for protecting those rights, but is not entitled to the help of the LiveJournal staff in protecting such Content. The user posting any Content represents that it has all rights necessary to post such Content (and for LiveJournal to serve such Content) without violation of any intellectual property or other rights of third parties, or any laws or regulations;

So please feel free to comment on what I'm doing work-wise in future posts. I really need the feedback.

An now another 6 hours later we find ourselves in our happily embracing again. If only for a little while we can be happy.

Thank you Listbox which does what Listview does without all the headaches. Oh where were you 12 hours ago? Oh well another day lost to poorly conceived libraries.

I have a love/hate relationship with my partner Programming. Sometimes she goes by the name of Code. I often feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with her. She makes me very happy much of the time, but the higher I start to feel, the more I dread she's going come around and beat me senseless.

Case in point. I managed to coble together a nice looking version of Minesweeper in about 12 hours. It lacked a couple of things. It didn't stop after telling you you'd won or lost. It didn't tell you how many mines were left or how much time you had taken, but it did everything else including that shift+click thing you can do on a revealed number once you've marked its mines. But after feeling really great, I got smacked around by Code. You see, one thing I've never gotten to work right is aspect ratio locking while resizing. So after spending about 12 hours putting together something nice - a home Code and I could appreciate - she bitch slaps me around (yes, here I am the bitch) and now I'm doubting myself. My frustration level is high and I go sulk and watch TV. Of course her siren's call will eventually bring me back from the TV and I'll make excuses for her like it's all my fault that it's so hard for me. She's easy to get along with. People all over the world have nice, productive relationships with people just like her.

Then I'll find something that will make me cheery again. Code and I will be getting along again. Laughing, giggling, have a merry go at it. But then something will set her off again. This time it was the 6 hour fight we had over this line not being there and nothing indicating it should be:

[assembly: ThemeInfo(ResourceDictionaryLocation.SourceAssembly,  ResourceDictionaryLocation.SourceAssembly)]

6 hours for 108 characters. That's 18 characters an hour. Or one huge headache a day.

This time it's Code's fault. I come to realize it's almost always been her fault. And so I don't feel so bad anymore when I can't handle it. I know I may not be as good at handling the abuse, but I'm sure others feel it too. They just must be in denial.

Even though I'm not married or even seeing someone right now, my friends have started doing that pairing off thing with other people and getting married. While I do feel some pressure to hook up, it's not that great. What does concern me though is children.

Somehow I ended up with a lot of friends who aren't going to have kids. The concern for me is that it seems like these are the people who should be having kids. The people I call friends tend to be extremely giving and nurturing; smart and talented; fair and honorable. But they're also the people who feel they would be bad parents. My guess is the reason that they're all these good things is that they've come to the opposite side from their own bad parents. Because that does seem to be the trend with a lot of them -- not all, but a lot. Now one must be careful when calling another person's parents less-than-stellar,  and I apologize for broaching the subject, but it was necessary.

I fear that the intelligence, goodness and honor that I've come to admire will be lost to the next generation replaced by people who like MTV. And perhaps that's inevitable as it takes a certain upbringing combined with a period spent working on yourself and your issues to produce a quality human being. Nurturing and support help during the recovery process, but I feel it requires spending some time on the loosing side nastiness from other people to make a person understand how it feels to be hurt.

While not all the people I've come across during the years have managed to make it past the recovery step into being a good person, the ones I hold close have. Perhaps its enough that my friends are contributing to the world as a whole. Perhaps it's not important that they pass on their genes and knowledge to smaller, droolier versions of themselves, but it does make the sad that they won't.

Something really good is gonna happen. The problem is it's too good. I'm sitting here with nervous anticipation as I wait for friends to arrive this weekend that I haven't seen in a long time. Missed their wedding which stunk, but was unavoidable. But the problem is that's where my life is right now, anticipation.

The job I'm working at part time refuses to start in any meaningful way. I'm supposed to be solving all their problems, but I can't get the information I need from them to start on anything. I'm disconnected which is much like I've felt with these friends who are coming to visit.

A long time ago I tried to cut the coord that connected me to my old home in Raleigh, but as I did so, I became very sad. I felt it was necessary, but now I'm not sure it was necessary. It did force me to make friends here, but even after 2 1/2 years the friends I have here seem somehow paler and dimmer. In my life out-of-sight has always been out-of-mind, and it's a true testament to how I felt about some people that even after trying to cut them off and being separate for 3 years, I still think about them regularly.

Most days it seems like I've made progress since I was a neurotic middle schooler, but it doesn't always feel like it. I feel cursed in a way. Almost as if the dislike people have for me doesn't come within me, but rather was an external hex placed on me.  The end result has always been my lack of early tact combined with a great number of early, shitty friends.

There's something about having your friends, even your best friend make fun of you for points with the general populace that has a way of sticking with you. The idea that even your friends don't really like you has stuck with me ever since. It's lead to me keeping people distant. Deep down I'm still that kid in middle school quickly learning to not trust anyone, even your closest friends. The experience left me paranoid, defensive and sarcastic; and ultimately not much fun to be around. When you're like that though, I found that the only thing I had left to offer was knowledge. I often feel like a knowledge base -- that my purpose in life was simply to be a more user friendly Internet. Ultimately only interacting with people in a way where you give them information and assistance, but take little to none for yourself totally throws any relationship out of balance. At work, I was a fairly popular guy, but not one anybody wanted to go to lunch with. I could go if I asked, but no one asked me. Within groups of friends, I could go to events if I asked, but no one asked me. And I can understand why. I was a tool in both the literal and figurative sense. Having not actually reached anyone on an emotional level, they probably didn't want to spend much time with me, but having helped them extensively they felt obliged to let me come along even if it wasn't to interact.

Don't get me wrong, I know this is all my doing, but it does help to be able to talk about it and work through it so I can change my own behavior and hopefully change how I interact with people. I guess that's the benefit of writing.

Ultimately it's very important to me that people come to me to spend time with me some of the time. In my neurotic mind people coming to me is equivalent to them liking me. If I keep having to ask to come to them, then I'm back in middle school -- the kid unliked by everyone begging to emotional scraps. I know everyone goes through some sort of horror starting with middle school, as that's where all the miscreants are, but I thought I'd share my experience that I feel still curses me. I so desperately want to feel liked.

And since no great story is without great irony, the one person who really made me feel liked, the one who would call me to do stuff and who spent some really good years with me is the one person who I ultimately took advantage of to such a large degree that I sent them away seething with anger. That's something I hope to rectify soon.

Very few of you know the total hatred I have for the people responsible for the W3C (the people responsible for HTML and CSS). I used to contribute fairly heavily to the public mailing lists for the HTML and CSS standards. I don't anymore and basically because I found trying to have conversations with the experts on the subject was about as useful as talking to the varied masses on topics such as religion, Windows vs. Mac, and Republican vs. Democrat. Everybody has their favorite cause within their domain of interest.

Low and behold when I was looking for a picture of myself (see total hard drive loss in an earlier post) on Google, I found some pictures that had my name, but clearly weren't me. On examining one I found a blog post on someone likening my posts to another poster who went nutty. Mind you at the time I was making my arguments I didn't realize this post had been made, but essentially it's a calling to all the fans of the poster to come together in a kind of "we should all dislike this person together" movement.

Mind you I'm not doing any better in calling out this behavior, but I please hope none of you will look into this as that's not the intent. The intent is to just describe my frustration at what has been a fairly useless aspect of the technology. I understand the basics of why people fragment into groups in order to consolidate power. But it's frustrating.

But my recommendation is don't Google yourself if at all possible. It's become the modern equivalent of checking out the papers to see what people are saying about you except now it's expanded down to the masses so we can all suffer the same neurosis. It also has shown me that deep down I'm a fairly shallow person as something somebody said years ago still made me mad for a couple of hours. I think I've always been comfortable with people personally disliking me, but disliking me as a rallying cause may take some getting used to.